Thank You

I have posted on my tumblr after I have done presenting my thesis. It's been almost a month since that day then I just randomly take a look at pictures on this little laptop and I remember that I've shared this picture with words which I wished it wouldn't be too much. I am just gonna make the the same caption as what I posted on facebook. 

Two of us, ladies in black, closing the great week

It’s forgivable when sometimes we feel so afraid, anxious, worried, or maybe sometimes we don’t believe that we can do something. It’s all there because we’re only human but the thing is, we really need something to get us up when we fall down. Here they are, my special something. People who always know the best way of how to listen, how to make me laugh, how to give support, how to pray for each other, how to say “you can do it”. They always have shoulders to cry on for something which burdens me. Their hug is such a warm place which can comfort me. Their laughter is my favorite sound so far while not being with them is the only thing I hate for God’s sake. Glad that I found this little heaven.

Thank you for finally bringing me here. Thank you for the uncountable beautiful moments we've made. Congraduations my girls. Effort and prayer can always lead us to the great thing, right? I love you guys to the moon and back! 

Should We?

I always tell my friends to just keep the things that make them happy. We find different meaning of happiness, we seek for happiness in different ways. That’s why if two people are treated the same way, it doesn’t mean that they both will feel the same way. The point here is like when you find a piece of puzzle and it actually belongs into the top right corner of the board, then you can’t simply put it on the other side of board because you know it will never fit and it will never work.

It’s hard to find things which can make us happy and the worst thing goes into the time when you know where you can get that but you already know that it’s not legal, it breaks the rule, and it’s not appropriate. So, should we keep going for that happiness? Should we still keep for that kind of thing?

Confusion

If people said confusion we’d feel after graduated would be so much more than when we were struggling to graduate, is actually what I feel now. My parents, especially my mom really wanted me to continue this study a.k.a take master degree. God, it has never been crossing my mind. I mean not this quick right after I get my bachelor. I think my dad is more liberal somehow. He once offered me to go abroad for seeking the job. So, some months ago I told him that Sarath and Chrisna would move to London on June or July and they said I could always come to them as if I come back home. They even offered me to be my sponsor so that I didn’t have to worry to get the permit and visa. That was when my dad told me “when you’re done with college, you have graduated, why don’t you take their offer? I can buy a ticket to London. You can work there”. Goal!!! I was feeling so happy at that time. I mean, dudeeeee London! Who the hell doesn’t wanna be there? But then I know I haven’t belonged there yet bcs when I can be as near as possible with my parents, why do I have to leave them just for my ego?

I honestly still don’t know where to go. I feel like I have nowhere to go. I’m still not sure about my passion, I am still not sure about me able to do something, I am still lack of confidence, I still feel like I can’t fit any job requirements. On the other side, I think that I mustn’t be so desperately in finding the appropriate job for myself. For how hard I feel desperate to get a job, I don’t wanna get master in the short future too. There are only two options, take master or have a work. I am gonna stick to the plan.

Thank God, I get a chance to work as freelancer with some close friends at one of commercial bank. I know it might be only a month but at least I can still take my time to think and to decide what things I will do next. Working as a freelance at one of the sharia bank which forces me to wear hijab during the office hours. I remember a prayer from a friend when I was having 21st birthday last May. He said, “pesen gue, semoga cepet berkerudung” Dhuarrr!!! That message makes me think, seriously. Wearing hijab has actually ever crossed my mind before but then so many considerations which I think, I can’t still take its consequence. It’s not about my society or environment don’t support me. Oh please, they really do but it’s just myself still wanna go wild *loh* wkwkwk gak lah gue gak se-wild itu. A prayer from a friend of mine, finally seems to be granted yah though it will be just for temporary.

Maybe this already proven that God loves me so much. Gue gak kebayang gimana rasanya habis wisuda, ditinggal bapak ibu haji sebulan, sedangkan gue plonga-plongo doang di rumah just sitting in a lap, feeling lonely, doing nothing, no gaining any salary, just spending money for sitting at a coffee shop, buying clothes or shoes or bags I found at a mall just because I feel bored. God, just bury them. I prefer to feel exhausted and worn out than feeling sick, bored, and headache because there is nothing to do.

Doa setelah shalat itu gak pernah berubah dari dulu. Cuma selalu bilang lancarkan kuliah, karir, dan jodoh buat gue sama mas asong. Pastinya setelah doa buat orang tua. Doa makin terelaborasi ketika bulan-bulan menjelang pengumpulan skripsi, apalagi menjelang sidang. Sekarang, doa spesifiknya lebih untuk mas asong semoga dia bisa dipermudah, dilancarkan pengerjaan skripsinya, dan semoga seluruh pembimbing maupun pengujinya selalu terbuka hati mereka untuk bisa mendukung mas asong lulus secepatnya. Lebaran kemarin juga udah gak peduli deh mau dibilang pemburu doa kek atau apapun, whatever. The thing is I keep asking for prayer from the whole family especially from the old ones. Kalo habis sungkem sama yang tua gitu ya, pasti selalu bilang "mbah, minta doanya biar aku cepet dapet kerja dan lancar jodoh ya". I bet they were so happy to pray for the young generations. 

I might tell God about what I want and I always tell God about what I feel but one thing for sure is that I always pray for everything best because I still believe that God is such the best director ever. Don’t you believe it too?

Pesan

My mom and I just stopped at Seven Eleven Gambir Station this evening. We came too earlier to catch Bima train at 5 pm. Well, actually just my mom wanted to go to Solo. We just sat around inside Sevel while talking about some of our family, job, and till finally we changed the topic into the future. The point was, my mom finally pontificated me with this advice:

“Dek, if you’ve known a guy that you might thing he is so special to you, just pick someone faithful for what he believes, someone who never lets you to do nothing. You have to stand making something for living. Just find someone who can let you doing your job. We can’t just stay at home nurturing the kids. For no matter how much you’re gonna make, please make it”.

Discussing about future sometimes makes me scared. Mom, I can’t promise you to find it out soon but I promise you that someday I will. I’m gonna find someone who loves me for whatever I am, someone who will love you, dad, mas asong, and all part of our family, someone who will be responsible for my future. I promise it mom so that you don’t have to worry about my future at the end. Help me always through your prayer and blessing. *tibalah saatnya gue mikir jauh ke depan akibat wejangan dari nyokap tadi till finally I can’t even resist these tears*

      Wednesday, January 01, 2014 at 10.35 pm

I didn’t know how much tears have fallen lately just because I am scared. God, suck that fear. I didn’t prepare much for the presentation. I know I would have blamed myself at the end if I couldn’t pass that. Somehow I’m feeling so grateful and blessed, really. Being surrounded by good people that I love so much. The ones that always know how to make my smile getting wider and wider under this fear that I assume it’s only a shadow which trying to hide my spirit. There are always families and friends saying positive things to me and make me sure that I really can do this. They also guarantee that their prayer have been sent to me.  Dulu mikir kata “semangat” itu hal yang klasik tapi seketika banyak yang bilang “semangat” di saat gue butuh, itu bikin gue terharu for sure and yes can never hold this tears as usual :")

Monday, April 6, 2015 at 00.09 am