Confusion

If people said confusion we’d feel after graduated would be so much more than when we were struggling to graduate, is actually what I feel now. My parents, especially my mom really wanted me to continue this study a.k.a take master degree. God, it has never been crossing my mind. I mean not this quick right after I get my bachelor. I think my dad is more liberal somehow. He once offered me to go abroad for seeking the job. So, some months ago I told him that Sarath and Chrisna would move to London on June or July and they said I could always come to them as if I come back home. They even offered me to be my sponsor so that I didn’t have to worry to get the permit and visa. That was when my dad told me “when you’re done with college, you have graduated, why don’t you take their offer? I can buy a ticket to London. You can work there”. Goal!!! I was feeling so happy at that time. I mean, dudeeeee London! Who the hell doesn’t wanna be there? But then I know I haven’t belonged there yet bcs when I can be as near as possible with my parents, why do I have to leave them just for my ego?

I honestly still don’t know where to go. I feel like I have nowhere to go. I’m still not sure about my passion, I am still not sure about me able to do something, I am still lack of confidence, I still feel like I can’t fit any job requirements. On the other side, I think that I mustn’t be so desperately in finding the appropriate job for myself. For how hard I feel desperate to get a job, I don’t wanna get master in the short future too. There are only two options, take master or have a work. I am gonna stick to the plan.

Thank God, I get a chance to work as freelancer with some close friends at one of commercial bank. I know it might be only a month but at least I can still take my time to think and to decide what things I will do next. Working as a freelance at one of the sharia bank which forces me to wear hijab during the office hours. I remember a prayer from a friend when I was having 21st birthday last May. He said, “pesen gue, semoga cepet berkerudung” Dhuarrr!!! That message makes me think, seriously. Wearing hijab has actually ever crossed my mind before but then so many considerations which I think, I can’t still take its consequence. It’s not about my society or environment don’t support me. Oh please, they really do but it’s just myself still wanna go wild *loh* wkwkwk gak lah gue gak se-wild itu. A prayer from a friend of mine, finally seems to be granted yah though it will be just for temporary.

Maybe this already proven that God loves me so much. Gue gak kebayang gimana rasanya habis wisuda, ditinggal bapak ibu haji sebulan, sedangkan gue plonga-plongo doang di rumah just sitting in a lap, feeling lonely, doing nothing, no gaining any salary, just spending money for sitting at a coffee shop, buying clothes or shoes or bags I found at a mall just because I feel bored. God, just bury them. I prefer to feel exhausted and worn out than feeling sick, bored, and headache because there is nothing to do.

Doa setelah shalat itu gak pernah berubah dari dulu. Cuma selalu bilang lancarkan kuliah, karir, dan jodoh buat gue sama mas asong. Pastinya setelah doa buat orang tua. Doa makin terelaborasi ketika bulan-bulan menjelang pengumpulan skripsi, apalagi menjelang sidang. Sekarang, doa spesifiknya lebih untuk mas asong semoga dia bisa dipermudah, dilancarkan pengerjaan skripsinya, dan semoga seluruh pembimbing maupun pengujinya selalu terbuka hati mereka untuk bisa mendukung mas asong lulus secepatnya. Lebaran kemarin juga udah gak peduli deh mau dibilang pemburu doa kek atau apapun, whatever. The thing is I keep asking for prayer from the whole family especially from the old ones. Kalo habis sungkem sama yang tua gitu ya, pasti selalu bilang "mbah, minta doanya biar aku cepet dapet kerja dan lancar jodoh ya". I bet they were so happy to pray for the young generations. 

I might tell God about what I want and I always tell God about what I feel but one thing for sure is that I always pray for everything best because I still believe that God is such the best director ever. Don’t you believe it too?